Be A Zombie Slayer

Someone told me not long ago they thought I could be a good Zombie slayer. I like a good fantasy, so lets play.

It has been my experience that Zombie's show up at the most inopportune times. To be a bunch of brain dead beings, these things have developed a collective reasoning which seems to gain momentum from the gaiety of the living. Maybe its an inner conflict of hope and dreams dashed by this grotesque disease which draws the walking dead toward the living. Regardless, it is essential to be aware of your surroundings at all times.

All of my dealings with Zombies have been unexpected and violent. I have found bladed weapons never run out of ammo but draws you in closer to the critter. Single encounters have taught me many of them are ticklish. If you can distract one by focusing on the tickle spot and get it laughing you can cut its head off with no problem.

Years ago I was given a Marine NCO sword. The sword is worn by Marine Non-Commissioned Officers at official functions like the annual Marine Corps Ball. They are typically ceremonial and tend not to hold a good edge. The one given to me was specially made by legendary blade craftsman, Bill Smith. Smith blades are coveted by Marines and the waiting list is long but distinguished of Devil Dogs waiting to receive these long blades. I count myself as fortunate to be one of the few non Jarheads to have one. Smith's unique forging process produces a hard , sharp edge and is what sets his swords apart from all others. He had an idea and ran with it. You might say he is the Blade Runner.

April 25 is my favorite date (because its not to hot, not cold all you need is a light jacket) and is when it all changed. We were in the back yard practicing piñata smashing. The wife and I compete in doubles professionally on the Pinata tour. I compete in the one handed category since I lost an arm during a game of bloody knuckles years ago. From the southwest we saw four "people" approaching our fenced in yard. This is not uncommon because often times when we train in the backyard, a crowd gathers to cheer and take in the awesomeness and downright badassary of our finely tuned art. I walked toward the fence, with a Sharpie uncapped so I could sign their memorabilia and welcome them. The closer they got, the more I could tell something was not right. The stench for one was stinging my nose hairs and I recall thinking to myself, great this is a bunch of Euro trash. They uttered a noise and I figured they were just speaking Euro. But before I could ask for their green cards, I realized they were dead, but walking....towards us.

I called for Shania, my wife, to bring my piñata smasher, the trusty Smith Blade. These dead walkers got tangled up in the concertina wire which surrounds our property. As their flesh was ripping and tearing, Shania and I swung for the fence and cut their heads off. To our astonishment, as soon as the heads hit the ground, they started rolling towards us, bowling ball style, in a very aggressive manner. I guess they were upset at us for lopping their lids off. Well, I couldn't pass it up, so we started playing catch me if you can. They don't change direction very fast, let me tell ya and that's a fact jack.

A miracle happened at this point. I always carry Skittles in my pocket when training and competing because they are coated with fruit flavorings and they give me unbelievable power during a long 58 stage piñata match. As luck would have it, there was a hole in my pocket containing the Skittles. Since I had been running around the yard in a zig-zag pattern, they were all over the yard. Well the Zombie heads, caught a whiff of the sweet yumminess and they started rolling around eating them up. There was something quite surreal about seeing a bunch of dead heads rolling around the backyard scarfing up candy pellets. It was like watching a Pac-Man game come to life.  As the heads gorged themselves on the candy, we finished them off by showing them pictures of Hillary making out with Bernie.

Drama seems to follow me where ever I go. There was the time I caused a riot at a Pinewood Derby race because I was winning big every time. However, this Zombie thing was the topper. Shania and I collected out Bug Out Bags, loaded up the camper and headed for Howie-In -The-Hills FL.

Zombie escape vehicle (ZEV)

After arriving at our destination, we evaluated what we had learned so far. Zombie's come from Europe and they smell like head cheese. They like Skittles and their heads can attack you even after being severed from the body. I am sure we will learn more as events deteriorate.